Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Coming Up For Air

I know I haven't been very good about keeping up with my blog here.  Heck, it's been kinda difficult just keeping up with life lately! 

Spring is the time for renewal and growth and our garden has certainly been testament to that.

But, this spring has also brought the loss of my beloved horse, Bonnie.  She always seemed so healthy and it was easy to forget that she was a "senior" because she really didn't look it.  But, she went down on the Saturday before Mother's Day and while she rallied for a bit after a shot from the vet, we ended up having to euthanize her the next morning.  Man!  That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I thank God that my dear husband was home.  He's so supportive and such a rock for me.  We buried her in the small pasture behind the barn and this wonderful man of mine planted the whole area in wildflower seeds!  I know seeing the flowers in bloom will be very bittersweet.

I did the drawing above through my tears.  It's not very good, I know.  It's charcoal and I don't have any experience with charcoal.  I also haven't drawn many horses.  But this was cathartic for me and I don't really care that it's not perfect.  I guess a wobbly little foal running through a meadow of wildflowers sort of symbolizes my wobbly steps back into my own life.  Sort of stepping into a new "normal" that doesn't include trips to the barn twice a day, or heavy feed bags or hay bales. 

However, I still find myself slipping into my barn boots twice a day and panicking when I see the open pasture gate - the habits of well over 20 years are awfully hard to break.


Jeanette said...

Oh Jan...I'm so so sorry to hear about Bonnie. Yes, that is incredibly difficult to do, I don't know how you can bear it.

Bonnie had a wonderful life with you and you with her. Habits of 20 years will take awhile to stop indeed, but there is also some comfort in them too.

The sketch of the foal is wonderful, perhaps in time, a sketch of Bonnie will have a healing effect too.

Dors said...

I am so sorry Jan to hear you lost your Bonnie. Such hard times for you.
I hope you can enjoy the lovely memories of Bonnie in time.
The wild flower seeds will be lovely and what a beautiful thought .

The drawing is lovely.
Sending you a Big Hug. xx

Belle said...

Jan I think your sketch is wonderful, and as a sketch artist I think it shows the emotion you were feeling perfectly!

So sorry for your loss. Use those creative outlets to get to the heart of it.


Teresa Mallen said...

Oh Jan, what a dreadful time. I am so sorry to read of your loss, gosh and so sudden too... May all of your memories bring you comfort as time passes. My thoughts are with you.

Jan said...

Thank you all so much.

Jeanette, I've never been able to paint my own animals, I don't know why. I would think it would be even more difficult now. But maybe, in time, I'll give it a go.

Thanks Dors,I do have some great memories of her.

Thank you, Crystal. It's so great to see you here.

Teresa, it has been dreadful but we have to get through it or just quit living ourselves.

I do have some wonderful memories of her and since I had her from a yearling, she taught me so much about both horses and life.

Thank you all so much again - your support is very much appreciated.

Teresa said...

Hi Jan,

Loss is so hard to deal with. Glad you have a supportive hubby and art... which I think is both cathartic and therapeutic.

Your charcoal sketch is lovely... nice flowing lines.

Christine said...

Dear Jan, I just now am reading this post. Although I have mentioned in my e-mail to you how sorry I am over the loss of Bonnie, it made me cry to read this account of her passing and the sweetness of your husbands support and care for you. I can feel your pain in your writing. Every day must be breathtakingly hard thing to go through, especially at first. You're in my thoughts and prayers dear friend!